The Talk

Reflections of a Dad on our moment

It’s 2:30 am, and I can’t sleep.

I am called to write and share what is moving through me in the hopes that even a few people are touched by it.

You see, Monday night I had to have The Talk with my wife. I had spent the entire day with a feeling of nausea, anxiety, and fear running in the background. We are on spring break and otherwise having a truly blessed time with our two girls, Sienna and Phoenix, who are 8 and 5. They are luminous, joyful, and rambunctious. They are loving having this uninterrupted family time, from piling into our bed for morning snuggles to strutting their cool new outfits to showing off developing rockclimbing skills at the playground. I am loving it too.

But internally, I was processing the scene of Trump and Bukele in the White House, disclosing plans to build 5 more CECOTs, the most hellish prison in the hemisphere, to house tens of thousands more people, including American citizens.

And I know, in my bones, that if things continue far enough down the path that we are currently walking as a country, I could eventually be one of those people, banished into the silence of no return. The risk is no longer zero.

I could be a dad, like Kilmar Abrego Garcia, sent without due process to a foreign prison and my little girls could have their dad vanish into a potentially permanent silence.

I’m not by my nature a fearful person. I have taken big risks in my life, from running out of money traveling in foreign countries to climbing high mountain peaks to starting a company from scratch that nearly went bankrupt several times. I have rappeled off cliffs and skied down double-black chutes. I have bungee-jumped off a bridge.

I don’t recall any of those moments affecting me in the same visceral way as Trump and Bukele’s casual discussion about jailing American citizens in that torturous hell of CECOT. I knew the moment was coming mentally. All the signs were there. But my body hadn’t fully processed it as real until it actually happened and we could hear, in their own words, that we are in a new reality where a President in the White House could plan to send American citizens into a foreign hellhole and laugh about it.

So on Monday night, my wife and I had to have The Talk. It was hard. What would we do to design a new life for ourselves and our girls if America reaches the point where peaceful, respectful dissidents like me are potentially sent, without due process, to a prison of no return?

You see, my soul will not allow me to stay silent. I’m 100% clear that I have to write and share my truth. I can’t shrink or hide and be in integrity with my soul. I can’t focus on cheerful, safe subjects that might keep me off a list. I have to stand, even with visceral fears percolating, as a voice of truth. Because I know that averting the worst case scenario for America demands millions just like me to share our truths publicly and say an unequivocal “no” to the demise of our democracy.

I thus know I cannot capitulate. I need to hold my torch high and call others to hold their torch high as well. That’s the only way that we can collectively avert catastrophe.

Part of my work is literally to see into the future. People pay me quite a lot to be a visionary strategist to lay out three, four, and five year gameplans for creating, marketing, and growing businesses that express their gifts. I have a talent for seeing where things can go.

And what I see clearly right now is that Trump is taking America towards a dark, cruel, and dangerous dictatorship from which it will take a very long time to recover, perhaps longer than my lifetime.

Before we go further, I want to share a bit of my story.

My wife and I had a long, long journey into parenthood. Eight years of fertility treatments, with hope and grief marking each passing year. We wanted kids badly enough to keep at it through the difficult patches. And then we were finally blessed, through the miracle of modern fertility science, with not just one girl but eventually two years later a second miraculous, unexpected child, just months before my 50th birthday.

I wasn’t sure whether being a dad in my 50s would be too exhausting but what I have found is that it has been the single greatest source of joy of my life. The love I receive from them has forced me to open my heart wider every day. It has been amazing. Rejuvenating. Healing. And so much damn fun.

They have become the most fascinating and hilarious individuals. Every day is a new adventure. We are bonded, deeply. When I’m out of town, they complain almost every day that it’s too long. They demand that I come home immediately. Separation is very hard for them.

When I think about Kilmar Abrego Garcia, a legal U.S. resident who committed no crimes and was admittedly sent to permanent prison in El Salvador as an administrative mistake that Trump is refusing to rectify, I feel most deeply for his three kids. How do they process the knowledge that their dad has been sent to a place where he is physically endangered, sleeping on concrete or metal slabs, under lights that are never turned off, in torturous conditions and surrounded by gang members who could literally kill him, for no reason at all?

I can barely imagine how much they are suffering. He simply has to be returned, not only for his sake and our sake, but for theirs. So far, Trump and Bukele are refusing to do so.

It’s very early in this Administration but it’s still shocking that we’ve already reached this point and that so many Americans are still supportive. History shows it is not very far from this point to the point at which even law-abiding citizens who simply voice dissent begin to disappear in sites like CECOT.

As much as wish I could say I am signed on for anything, my heart won’t let me, for the sake of my girls, to accept the potential for Abrego’s fate to become my fate. And yet, I also know that I can’t silence myself either, for their sakes. I can’t shrink away from uncomfortable truths about what is happening in the land that I love. I can’t avoid talking about the march towards a time in which America is no longer the land of the free. I can’t avert my eyes or shut down my voice. I can’t stand back and leave them the legacy of a degraded country or broken dreams. I can’t give them a country in which it is no longer even safe to be a female. I have to do my best every day to prevent that dark future, not just for myself but for them.

So I have to speak. I’m called to write almost every day now, doing my best to concecrate my gift for words to the mission of rescuing a democracy teetering on the brink.

Each time I write, I feel some fear in my belly because as I look into potential futures, I know that one of those potential futures is where America becomes the kind of place where the words I am writing can lead to my imprisonment.

You may not see that yet. You may project forward the glories of our past. You might ignore the ways that the groundwork is already being laid for revenge, oppression, and the silencing of opposition, the suspension of Constitutional freedoms and the degradation of the rule of law.

But I can’t not see those things because they are based on facts rather than just fears.

Kilmar Abrego Garcia is a human face of those facts. His existence in hell, for no reason, is proof that the fears are rational and real.

There’s a reason why experts on fascism are starting to leave America. There’s a reason why former residents of Russia are writing guides for Americans to survive under an authoritarian regime. The signs of a police state grow each day. People are being taken by masked agents into unmarked cars. In America. I won’t chronicle the evidence here because my task is not to convince you but to share with you how those facts are affecting our choices about the future of our family.

For me, it’s clear that speaking my truth now means is that I have to be sober about the potential for America reaching a point where I could be disappeared into an El Salvadoran prison because exercising my First Amendment rights becomes a threat to a regime that no longer has any real checks on the abuse of its power.

I know that I cannot passively allow that future to arrive. And I also know that I can’t allow for too much risk for me to be sent to an El Salvadoran prison for the sake of these beautiful, magical girls sleeping in the room near me either. While that risk is close to zero stil, it won’t be past a certain point that is nearing faster than I would have thought possible before Trump took office.

So my wife and I had to have The Talk. How would we design our lives if we have to leave the country? How do we manage our finances and our future if America becomes a failed democracy? When do we reach the point where the risks are high enough that it is time to go?

My best guess, using my ability to project into the future and my assessment of the moves they are making, is six months. I think we have six months of doing every thing in our non-violent power to avert that future and if collectively we haven’t succeeded, we will then need to plan for a more nomadic life until the Trump regime is over. I realize that is a sign of real privilege for us to even have that discussion. I know most people will not have the option. But still, we must.

It may be hard for you to fathom because there are so many people who would be in much more immediate danger than me. I know that I’m a long, long way down the list of at-risk people so far. I’m a Midwestern white guy who grew up with middle-class parents. I went to Stanford. I’ve created a company that reaches millions of people with personal growth content. I’m a committed peacebuilder who designed a Peace Ambassador training that trained more than 1000 people in the best peacebuilding practices. I don’t see anyone as my enemy. I wrote a book called Sacred America, Sacred World in 2016 that sought to offer a unifying political vision and was probably the only major political book that year that was endorsed by leaders on the left and the right. I even spoke on a panel in the Purple Tent near the Republican National Convention that year. I believe in dialogue and I know that healing is possible.

But, I also see what is happening. I track dozens of major writers. I understand human psychology. While I am clearly quite a ways down any list at the moment, I realize those lists are forming and there will arrive a point where I’m uncomfortably close to the top.

So my wife and I had to have The Talk.

What you may not realize, if you are a Trump supporter and someone you care about sent you this article, is The Talk is going on all over America as we speak. As never before in our history, people are realizing that we are crossing red lines that might mean they will need to leave the land they love because there are escalating risks of living here that they are not willing to take.

I want you to really take in that a law-abiding, tax-paying, entrepreneurial citizen who has helped hundreds of people pay their mortgages and feed their families and who has designed programs that help millions to live better lives know that I believe I could be at risk at some point for simply excercising my First Amendment rights.

If you received this forwarded from a friend and you are still a Trump supporter, do you truly want people like me to feel compelled to leave our country?

Because that is what is going to be happening this year. It started with citizens of other countries canceling their trips and redirecting their purchases. The world believes we are becoming an authoritarian regime and they are taking steps to address that. Investment is now moving out the country to other safe havens. People are starting to follow. As our rule of law degrades further, the trickle will start to become a flood.

You could dismiss me as an alarmist but I encourage you to just take a breath and realize that there are hundreds of thousands of people like me all over this country, thinking about what we owe to our children, what we owe to our own souls and what we owe to our country. We are each having to make a very difficult calculation of what risks we can bear and where our red lines lie.

For so many of us, silence is not an option because we love America. It’s especially vital that those like me who are still at lower risk speak loudly and clearly for those who might be at higher risk of deportation, retaliation, or even violence. We need to be a voice of truth for those who cannot shoulder that risk. People like me know that speaking out, even when we are in more protected circumstances and categories now, is starting to carry some risks. Ignoring those risks is not responsible parenting. Or reponsible citizenship.

That’s why The Talk is beginning to happen all over America now.

Eight days ago, in the comments on one of my articles, an Australian wrote, “Stay safe Stephen.. we need your wise analysis and Trump will no doubt want to silence you.. I suggest you have people around you at all times, use CCTV that can operate if power is cut, record 24 x7 and mirror to somewhere offsite. let people know your planned movements even if its taking the dog for a walk and don’t go anwhere unaccompanied.. and keep posting daily.. I fear for your safety brother!”

My wife sent that comment to me in alarm. She has asked me if there’s a way to not write what I feel called to write, even though my tone is always respectful and even though my first amendment rights are clearly protected by the Constitution. I told her, unfortunately, no. I have to express the freedoms that I have while I have them. I have to be a voice of truth for those who are now hiding in fear. I have to be a voice that calls people into their hearts and a deeper knowing that we, as a country, were not created for this. We were not created to descend into dictatorship. We were not created to become a culture of fear and cruelty. We were not created to have the light of freedom and democracy be extinguished.

We were created to lead the way to a better future, not to be a cautionary tale of what happens when a democracy dies.

So I must write with as much heart and wisdom as I can.

And, if things don’t work out for the best by the end of this year, I also must plan for what a life outside of America looks like where I can still snuggle my girls and be the dad that they need. Even if we end up in that more nomadic future, I will keep sharing my truth and championing an elevated vision for our country. I will always be an American citizen but to me, being a dad is more important and I can’t allow myself to be disappeared into an El Salvadoran prison.

It’s now 5 a.m.

I hope to sleep some before they pile laughing into our bed, eager to start the next day’s adventure while I quietly process these difficult truths in the background. Know that there are hundreds of thousands of us weighing options and that the way we avert the worst is by standing up clearly now, defending our democracy with as much courage, clarity and conviction as we can muster. I know we can end Trump’s reign but it’s still an open question how far things will go before a critical mass rise up.

All of us must discern what is ours to do to the best of our ability. Sacrifices will be required. Risks will need to be faced. The time for slumber or escapism is over. Every action counts. We can do this.