On Sacred Relationship
A remedy for an increasingly transactional culture
How do we relate to others in a way that liberates ourselves and helps to heal the world?
Today I offer my reflections on sacred relationship, which I believe sits at the heart of personal and cultural renewal. As the fabric of public trust continues to fray, our ability to engage in meaningful, life-affirming connections becomes not only a personal path but a planetary remedy.
Sacred relationship is not limited to romance or long-term intimacy. It can emerge in a five minute encounter or grow across decades. It is a way of engaging that sees, honors, and amplifies the divine essence in the other person and blesses their highest becoming. It is grounded in love but includes a more attuned, empowering way of engaging as well.
This orientation creates a third presence between people — not just you and me but a field of shared coherence that begins to grow between us. Sacred relationship is a triad: Self, Other, and the Bond, which we can call friendship, alliance, partnership or something unique. Each part of the tried requires care, curiosity, and attunement.
By contrast, a transactional relationship centers on extraction: what can I get from this person? This orientation objectifies. The other becomes a means to an end - a vehicle or stepping stone to get more of something I desire. In keeping the focus on the egoic, separate self, it lacks care for the other person and reinforces a sense of isolation for both parties. The result? Disconnection, cynicism, and cultural polarization.
When relationships are governed by self-interest alone, trust withers. And when enough breakdowns of trust accumulate, we begin to anticipate betrayal. Suspicion becomes the norm. Self-preservation becomes the baseline.
Transactional relationships reinforce a culture of greed and selfishness because people get the clear signal that others won’t look out for their best interests, which leads to more suspicion, fear, and self-preservation.
Many of the signals of transactional relationships are subtle. Most people aren’t aware of how they act in more transactional ways that corrode the quality of our relationship field. Here are a few examples that are common and contribute to a more transactional relational culture.
Ghosting
In dating or new friendships, ghosting has become disturbingly normalized. A spark of connection forms and then one person disappears without explanation. The rupture in the field of connection sends a message that the other person is not intrinsically worthy of care but was only seen as an object to fulfill a desire. Once the prospect of that person not fulfilling a transactional desires, they are abandoned. When people are ghosted, it reinforces the belief that others are selfish and not to be trusted, which then tends to lead to more transactional ways of engaging the next person.
Sacred antidote: Even if there is a parting of ways or shift in a connection is brief, honor the parting. Name the shift. Offer simple closure. Small acts protect the dignity of both parties and restore trust to the collective field.
Open loops
It’s become more common, in my experience, for people to say they intend to do something and then they don’t follow through. The reason is typically that are “too busy” but I think the creation of open loops and incompletions in relationship feeds the idea that a relationship is transactional rather that sacred. In a sacred relationship we don’t want the other to have unfinished conversations, incomplete actions, or lingering business that is unattended to because we want them to have their full energy available for their highest service. We want to care for the Bond. Open loops create distractions and corrode trust. They send the message that we don’t care enough about the other’s time, attention, or energy to close the loop or complete an exchange.
Sacred antidote: Inventory each connection, friendship, and alliance you have and ask yourself if there are promises that have gone unfilled, invitations that didn’t have closure, or important conversations that were left dangling. Then clean up everything you can.
Manipulation: Most people instinctively do not like it when others attempt to manipulate them but they don’t necessarily reflect on why. I would maintain that the presence of manipulation is the absence of sacred relationship. In a sacred relationship, we see the other as intrinsically worthy of respect and honor their right to make decisions for themselves. They do not exist merely for our gratification or to fill our need. Manipulation, whether in the form of shading the truth, using emotion as a tool of control, or telling someone what they should do, all comes down to the assertion of our desires over their self-determination. Respect for the boundaries and decision-making of the other is central to sacred relationship. It creates a relaxation into trust. Attempts to coerce someone verbally or physically is a form of dishonoring that being. This isn’t just in personal connections but applies to the business world as well. Marketing often gets a bad name because so much of it is built on forms of manipulation: exaggeration, hype, emotional control. A more conscious way of marketing builds trust because a company respects the sovereignty of their customers and prospects rather than trying to manipulate them into a sale.
Sacred antidote: Become aware of when you are attempt to control others to get what you want through exaggeration, distortion of the truth, use of emotional charge, or acting from a hidden agenda. There are many subtle levels of these behaviors. Be explicit about desires or agendas and give the other person latitude to make decisions from an informed and non-pressured place.
Boxing People In: It’s easy to reduce others to categories: Trump supporter, activist, narcissist, investor, client. Labels simplify, but they also imprison. When we relate only to the label, we lose the deeper connection.
Sacred antidote: Lead with curiosity. Drop the fixed story. Remember that every soul is in motion. Keep the frame open for each person. Going beyond surface identities contributes to humanization and gives them room to grow. The more we know about someone’s deeper story, the more we tend to appreciate them and support their flowering.
Sacred relationship, in my experience, is not about how much time we spend with others. Some of my most sacred relationships are light touch, perhaps engaging a few times in a year. But because the foundation is solid, it creates a field of trust, transparency, and mutual witnessing. Some of the things that I find permeate a sacred relationship versus a transactional relationship:
Mutuality - there is mutual, reciprocal interest in the other. Neither person monologues or steers the conversation back to themselves in lopsided ways.
Curiosity - Instead of a destination or goal, there is a sense of curiosity about where the connection might lead and what might open next.
Higher purpose - there is a sincere interest to understand the higher purpose of the other, as well as what they are working to overcome, heal, or transcend. Engagement can then be optimized for mutual benefit.
Respect for the others time and energy - there is not misuse of the other’s time. I find chronic lateness a barrier to sacred relationship as it’s a signal of breakdown of attunement.
Vulnerability - the relationship becomes a safe space to be more fully revealed, which in turn leads to growth, attunement, and relaxation
My invitation to others (and to myself) is to make it a practice for how we engage others and whether we are feeding the culture of transactional relationships or encouraging the growth of sacred relationship.
The higher purpose for sacred relationship is to liberate the potential in all beings. It fosters a remembrance that we are all linked in our divinity, that we all have higher purposes for our lives, and we all have opportunities for growth.
A sacred relationship honors the meeting of another being, engages in a deepening that respects boundaries, blesses the truth of the other, and cultivates the sacred third of the bond. Threads of respectful, loving relational connection help to weave us together in positive ways.
When our community is created on threads of sacred connection, it becomes more life-affirming and trusted. When our friendships are built on sacred relationships, they lead to more celebration of the growth of the other. When our romantic relationships are built on sacred relationship, they lead to our mutual flowering. When our business relationships are built on sacred relationship, they lead to exchanges of respect, truth, and mutual empowerment.
Transactional relationships are short-term, impoverished, and ultimately sourced in a lack of understanding of who we truly are: divine beings on an incarnational mission to grow in our love for all beings. Sacred relationships reflect a deeper truth and give us an opportunity to shine our light into more places and receive the blessing of more souls.
It’s easy in a time of increasing cultural toxicity and polarization to retreat into transactional relationships. Let’s invest our time and attention in building a stronger network of sacred relationships that can heal culture and reunite our human family.