Doug Emhoff is a Beacon for Men

How His Role Can Be a Gamechanger

At the second night of the Democratic National Convention, one speaker stood out to me for his heart, humanity and humor: Doug Emhoff.

More than offering a rousing endorsement of his spouse, his speech gave us a dose of what promises to be an extraordinary gift to America: a vision of manhood that is able to celebrate the full expression of feminine power.

Being married to a President is no easy task, as our history of First Ladies has shown. The intensity of attention to every move can create a feeling of isolation and self-consciousness that is a kind of prison. The most successful First Ladies have channeled their philanthropic passions into the role while carefully supporting their husbands in power.

A First Gentleman is a new and overdue role for America. It is fraught with all the psychological baggage America carries about manliness and power. Can a man still be a respected man when he is defined primarily through his relationship to a more powerful spouse?

It’s clear after his speech that Doug Emhoff will disarm critics, open hearts, and offer a new template for men in how to be in relationship with an exceptionally powerful woman. He adores Kamala, as his speech made clear, and he also made light of the fact that she is not to be trifled with. For instance, he showed that it is better to confess your inadequacies to her up front as she will see them anyway, such as when he related the story of the first time he drove a car with her and confessed he was a terrible driver.

By offering such a genuine, transparent, and winsome template of how to partner with a woman on the cusp of stepping into the most powerful role on the planet, Doug is doing a great service to dissolve the vestiges of patriarchy that are still blocking the arteries of America’s heart.

In his light-hearted and playful way, he offered us a shining example of how a man can be fully himself - an accomplished lawyer and devoted family man - while also be willing to adapt his career to the ascent of his wife into the upper echelons of global power. He’s been able to embrace his role as Second Gentlemen already in a way that has meaning and beauty and does not diminish him in any way.

While Kamala Harris’ example to women and girls offers an essential part of the medicine this next administration offers, we should not underestimate the power, particularly for American men, to witness a man who adores, supports, and enjoys his exceptionally powerful wife.

America needs to see a man who is clearly happy, fulfilled, and impactful while being partnered with the world’s most powerful woman.

The gift of his humor is also not a small thing. When we can laugh about something, we are no longer trapped by it. For too long, American male psychology has had a tightness and seriousness to it, based on a fear that if one is not “tough enough” or “dominant enough” they will not not be respected. That model of manhood has created a hardening of the heart of American men and it’s time for that to end, not just for the sake of women but also for the freedom of men.

If men put on an inauthentic facade in order to be accepted or respected as men, it becomes a kind of prison that contributes to the loneliness, burnout and isolation that are epidemic in men.

By being deeply human, laughing at his foibles, and standing in supportive partnership with Kamala, Doug Emhoff can be a transformative force in American culture that helps free men from the artificial straitjacket of manhood that is based on dominance over others.

By making it clear that he shares in the joy of Kamala’s ascent, he gives permission to all men to celebrate the shift from patriarchy to what we might call partnerarchy - a respectful collaboration between sexes and genders.

By making it clear that he can adore his ultrapowerful wife and not be less of a man, he gives permission for the hearts of more men to open to the full expression of feminine power.

As we contemplate the redemptive and liberating power of a Harris-Walz administration, let’s not forget the power of the role Emhoff would step into. Michelle Obama has become one of the most beloved, iconic women in the world as a inspiring example of how to lead the way personally and culturally. She’s become a role model on a deeper level than perhaps any elected political leader can be as she’s been real in her struggles and clear in her truthtelling. She’s become the expression of America’s conscience.

I came away convinced that Doug Emhoff is going to be a role model like Michelle in his own way and a major catalyst for change on the world stage by modeling that the transition beyond patriarchy can be joyful, fulfilling and wonderful for men as well.

And that is important medicine for our country and our world.